Types Of Extra-Marital Affairs: The Sexual Affair
There are several different types of marital affair which do not have to have a sexual element to be considered cheating. Emotional cheating can be just as damaging to a relationship and can also often lead to a physical affair as it develops.
20% of British adults admit to having an affair in online polls and 50% of those have had more than one.
Men are generally more likely than women to have repeated affairs however only 8% more than women.
However the definition of what is considered an affair seems to vary slightly from person to person. Some regard kissing as an affair but others require having slept with someone.
This article will talk through how the different types of affair can be defined, where they usually start and how you can prove that they are happening.
In all cases you should look for a consistent change in behaviour in your partner however what that behaviour is will be different depending on the type of affair.
In this series of articles I will be discussing the different identifiable types of affair that there are, why it starts and how to spot the signs.
The Sexual Affair
This is the most common type and would probably be considered the standard definition of what is considered an affair.
This is when two people form a relationship entirely based on sexual attraction to each other and will deliberately seek out private opportunities to have intercourse.
This might develop into a fully fledged relationship with more emotional and supportive elements although that depends of a lot of different factors being right.
Why Does It Start?
These relationships start when two people come into contact who are sexually attracted to each other.
This may seem obvious but a significant amount of relationships are actually not formed around two people wanting to have sex with each other.
An important component is that the attraction is instantaneous, not an attraction that grows over time. Knowing someone better over time will dull sexual infatuation.
There are very strong emotions associated with this which can be both overpowering and exciting at the same time.
Generally men are more likely to engage in this type of behaviour and this is backed up by the kinds of people that they cheat with and by the underlying reasons. On average men have higher sex drives than women which is one of the main motivating factors.
When the reasons behind affairs were polled men outscored women 2 to 1 for "I was dissatisfied with my sex life".
Not getting enough sex to satisfy their drive or sex in the way that they wanted will be the main motivator for these affairs. This will often be used as a justification for the behaviour.
Look out for signs such as constant requests or demands for sex (which are not satisfied) which then suddenly wane, stop or increase. This is the change in behaviour you should be wary of as it shows that either their sex drive is being fulfilled elsewhere or that there is a sudden increased desire or interest in sex.
Bear in mind that the affair will start due to sexual desire. This does not mean that your partner intends to end your relationship or even to hurt you. This does not justify cheating in any way however it is important to identify the causes and that will tell you how to move on afterwards.
Where Would It Start?
The initial contact can be anywhere realistically although in the majority of cases certain things must be true.
Firstly there must be a place of contact but not extended time with each other. So this could be a neighbour, someone at the gym, a work colleague or even a partner's relative.
People who do not necessary spend a great deal of time with each other will often put in more effort into their appearance than with their partner. This is why people will view each other as more sexually attractive when they meet under these circumstances.
Of course if people make themselves more attractive at work or the gym they will look their best when socialising. This could be large social gathering such as weddings but also restaurants, pubs, night clubs.
As the nature of the affair is physical there must be actual contact. These relationship would not form entirely online although it might start there.
It is important to note that alcohol and other disinhibiting substances will accelerate this process due to impaired decision making and ability to tell how attractive someone actually is.
What Are The Signs?
Physical Attraction
The first thing to look for is body language when you see both people interacting. It is usually fairly easy to tell if there is an attraction. Look for these signs:
- Pupil dilation
- Flushed skin
- Seeking physical contact or closeness
- Open body language
- Mirroring each others body language
- Taking secret opportunities to enhance their own appearance
It is very important to note that while these behaviours will be present for a sexual affair they do not indicate anything by themselves.
Opportunity
Opportunity is a major component whereby the affair partners must find places and times where they can be in private.
The thing to look for here is new periods of absence that are consistent or increasing. There may be good explanations for these periods such as business trips or going to the gym but you should be wary if they are increasing and becoming regular.
There must be a period of time which usually needs to last an hour or two and a place where they will not be observed.
They have to have privacy as the affair is entirely based on sex so there is no reason for any contact outside of sexual encounters.
How these opportunities come about will often depend on the circumstances such as business trips with work colleagues or periods where you are absent for neighbours.
Look our for other signs such as increased interest in your schedule. If your spouse is having an affair with a neighbour or someone close and the location is either house then they will need to establish when you will be arriving or leaving.
A common factor is that the cheating couple will be especially careful to cover their tracks and have explanations ready when the affair is new but their effort will wane as time goes on.
A simple test would be if you were to ask if you could come along on one of the trips or visit the gym to "try it". The cheater will have to find a way of stopping you.
How Can You Catch Them?
Trying to catch the cheating couple yourself will be extremely difficult. To start any action on your part will alert the cheating couple to your suspicions. If they become suspicious then they may choose to end the affair and then you will never know the truth.
Even if you manage to follow your spouse then the chances of you being caught are very high. They will recognise you, your clothing and your car very easily.
Even then, you do not have training in remaining covert whilst observing a target. How would you track them if they were driving?
That would mean potentially living with the doubt for the rest of your life.
The best way is through professional surveillance with a private investigator. As the contacts are sexual in nature and require privacy then surveillance and evidence gathering are key.
A private investigator will have the ability to track your spouse electronically without their knowledge. After following the target the investigator can observe the subjects whilst collecting video and audio evidence.
Video or photographic actual evidence is what you really need as observation can often be argued with. A common tactic among cheating spouses is to gaslight their partner whereby they will convince their spouse that they are imagining things or remembering things incorrectly.
If you would like to know more about how surveillance can help you gather evidence then please visit out Matrimonial Surveillance Page
