Cheating, Gaslighting and Narcissism
Gaslighting is a process where one person in a relationship controls and manipulates the other by distorting their sense of reality and their memories. They will convince the victim that they are "imagining things", "remembering events incorrectly" or even "crazy".
More often this takes place in romantic relationships. Especially when there is a significant difference with the power of each partner. Such as when one person brings in significantly more income than the other.
Usually Gaslighting is used to control the other person, cover up lies or an affair and is considered a form of emotional abuse.
Cheating Partners
When one partner is cheating in a relationship there are always tell-tale signs of the affair. Late nights, changes to their routine or demeanour and hidden messages.
Often these changes will be noticed and potentially challenged by the innocent member of the couple.
Where were you? Or, who are you calling? These are not unusual questions and probably not even invasive in a long term relationship, if one partner is acting differently.
In the majority of cases the person having the affair will lie at this point, which may or may not be believed depending on how good the lie is.
However if the guilty party is a manipulative person they may "gaslight" their partner at this point to cover up their lies.
Is There A Gaslighting Personality?
Certain personality types are significantly more likely to engage in this tactic. Such as someone with a Narcissistic Personality Disorder
This can be individuals of either sex, although more likely to be men, which show a high sense of self importance, erratic or fluctuating emotions and who are obsessed with power and prestige.
It is important to note that this behaviour is meant to stem from severe low self esteem.
Characteristics:
- Initially charming.
- A need for admiration.
- Lacking in empathy for others or animals.
- Feeling superior to others with an inflated sense of their own achievements.
- Having a fragile ego which results in aggressive outbursts when they cannot get their own way.
- Dismissing the intelligence or competency of others.
- Obsessing over those they view as having power or prestige.
- Not wanting to try new things for fear of embarrassment or defeat.
- Showing jealousy and believing others are jealous of them.
How Can You Spot Gaslighting?
There are two significant ways that you can identify if you are the victim of narcissistic gaslighting.
The first is spotting the manipulative behaviour patterns from your partner. The second is the affect that it has on you.
To spot the behaviour patterns you need to ask yourself whether you have been treated in certain ways on a reasonably regular basis:
- They try and isolate you.
- Being told that you could not last or survive without them or that your current life relies on them.
- They do or say things to prevent you having a social life outside of them.
- They belittle your previous accomplishments and make it sound like you could not achieve anything yourself without them. Often this abusive behaviour can be disguised as 'jokes' or 'banter'.
- They act as if they are concerned about you and your mental health.
They lay the groundwork for you to believe that your feelings are not to be trusted by asking about your state of mind. - They point out times when you may have mis-remembered things and then re-enforce that it is one of your 'traits'.
- If you try to get proof they insist that it is a sign of paranoia or mental health problems.
- They remember things 'differently' to you.
- They deny something that you thought was true but will not accept that you remember it differently.
- They become angry or aggressive if you insist on your version of events.
- They dismiss how you feel.
- They say that you are fragile or over sensitive.
- They lack any empathy with how you are feeling.
- The events in your life are not considered as important.
What Affect Will Gaslighting Have On You?
- You are a lot less self confident and more anxious than you used to be.
- Your memory does not seem reliable to you and how you feel about people changes.
- You apologise to everyone more often.
- You question whether you are a good enough partner and whether you deserve to be in the relationship.
- Things always feel like they are your fault.
- Always making excuses for your partner's behaviour such as talking about the 'pressure' they are under with work.
- You are more isolated from your family or old friends.
- You struggle to make decisions by yourself and frequently defer to your partner when asked to make a decision.
- Not enjoying things that you used to.
How To Deal With Gaslighting
Collect Evidence
Having solid evidence is key as neither party can then refute it. Do not let your partner find the evidence in case they try to destroy it.
Evidence will be the only way that you can prove to yourself that you are in a Gaslighting relationship.
- Print or take pictures of suspicious messages. You can refer back to these when you start to doubt yourself.
- Consider surveillance on your partner if you think they are cheating. Photographic evidence is hard to deny.
- Write down what you think happened and how you felt in situations where you disagreed or were experiencing conflict. Refer back when you start to doubt yourself. Record the dates and times.
Deal With Your Anxiety
If you have been the victim of gaslighting then you will have a lot of anxiety. However anxiety from other sources can also cause you to mis-remember things or be over sensitive.
This is one of the reasons that this type of manipulation tactic works so well, as you can never be really sure in your own emotions simply as a result of building anxiety. The chances are that you actually will have mis-remembered something or been over-sensitive at some point due to the pressure.
These negative emotions create more negative emotions and the situation becomes a vicious cycle.
Therefore dealing with anxiety is something that you need to address specifically. Fortunately there are a good number of ways of doing this.
- Meditation
- Mindfulness
- Visit A Councillor
- Reduce Caffeine Or Alcohol Intake
- Improve Your Diet
- Exercise Regularly
Involve Other People
- Re-engage with your friends and try to get back to the hobbies and pastimes that you used to do. Being around the people you knew before will help you feel more like yourself.
- Ask your close friends about how they remember situations if you feel like your memory is doubted. Be prepared that they may have little or no recollection of events which you regard as being very significant.
Where Does The Term Gaslight Come From?
Gaslight comes from a stage play and later several films which all centre around an abusive relationship where a husband manipulates his wife into going insane to cover up his criminal activity.
It was written by British playwright Patrick Hamilton and is set in Victorian era London.
The most famous of the film adaptations was released in 1944 and starred Ingrid Bergman, Charles Boyer and Angela Lansbury.New Paragraph
If you would like to know more about how surveillance can help you gather evidence then please visit out Matrimonial Surveillance Page
